


If I Didn't Believe in You

by evergreenstringbean



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Logan as Jamie, Logan's kind of an asshole oops, M/M, Roman as Cathy, Sort of song fic, TL5Y au, but kinda so is Roman, but not really kinda, idk man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 09:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23349169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evergreenstringbean/pseuds/evergreenstringbean
Summary: Roman doesn't want to go to another party. Logan knows what's really happening.Basically a The Last Five Years AU literally nobody asked forNo prior knowledge of TL5Y is necessary to read this
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	If I Didn't Believe in You

**Author's Note:**

> This musical is perfect for the both of them don't @ me

It starts innocently enough, as most of their conversations do by this point. Roman’s on their sofa, thumbing mindlessly through a new Backstage, highlighting casting calls that spark his interest and even some that he doesn't particularly care for but fit his height and range. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And maybe, if Logan had walked in saying hello to him or even anything else other than what he greets his husband with, then maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad.

“The party’s in an hour. Why aren’t you dressed?”

Roman’s eyes dart up to meet Logan’s confused ones, the same ones that also seem to be mere sentences away from an icy glare. It’s always like this now, walking on a tightrope from party to party. Ever since Logan’s first book had been published, which Roman’s very proud of, by the way, nothing had been the same. There seemed to be a new party or social engagement every single week. A new toast to Logan’s success as a bestselling author, which again Roman is ecstatic about, all while the struggling actor remained struggling and dragging his ass to Ohio, to a summer company of similar rejects performing a range of shows he already knew inside and out. It may be stable work, but it isn’t what Roman wants.

“I’m not going,” he says calmly, looking back down to an ad about a toothpaste commercial he’s suddenly very interested in.

Logan starts buttoning his vest, pretending as though all was well. Nothing was well anymore. “Very funny. Come on, get dressed. We both know you take eons to get ready.”

Roman doesn’t want to fight today. That would make it the fifth day in a row, and as much he used to love arguing with the man, it’s nowhere close to the same spats they’d had in their first year of marriage. Now here they were on year three, and it’s almost like they’re strangers who legally shared everything they own. “I guess you didn’t hear me. I’m not attending this stupid party. What’s the point?”

“The point is that you’re my husband and you’re supposed to be supportive by attending,” Logan says slowly, arms now crossing in a stance they’ve both come to know quite well as his preparation for an argument.

The actor tosses his magazine aside and sighs. “You mean I have to be supportive by being ignored all night while you rub elbows with big executives and editors? Because that’s what happened at every single party.”

“It’s because you don’t talk to anyone, Roman. You sit there and check the time and wait for it to end, which is actually really rude.”

“Oh, it’s rude? You know what else is rude?” Roman stands from the couch, adrenaline rushing in a way he hates. “People come up to me- they think I’m your  _ publicist,  _ and then they ask me to take of picture of you and them on their phone-”

“I can’t control how everyone at the party acts-”

“-And then all their questions to me are about you!  _ What’s Logan like? How did you and Logan meet?  _ That’s the only time anyone ever says anything to me-”

“They’re going to ask questions about me, I’m so sorry they hurt your feelings but-”

At this point they’re talking over each other, barely listening to each other speak and only fighting to make themselves heard. Just like all their conversations at this point.

“Then I’m standing at the bar and I’m  _ drinking,  _ and I’m just waiting for someone to talk to me,  _ you  _ certainly don’t talk to me! And-”

“Stop, stop it, just  _ stop! _ ” Logan shouts, and their ears begin to ring from how quiet it suddenly becomes. “For two minutes, can you just listen to me? Two minutes!” He sighs. Roman stays quiet. “Then you can say whatever you want...look, there are people, and they are publishing  _ my book _ . And there’s a party that they are throwing. And while you’ve made it  _ very clear _ that you’re not going,  _ I _ will be going.”

The room goes silent again. Roman becomes adamant on staying silent with it, and moving to sit on the ottoman with his back to Logan. He may have to listen but he doesn’t have to look at him.

“But what is this really about? Is it really about a party, Roman? Can we please for a  _ minute _ stop blaming and say what you feel?”

Roman doesn’t answer. Logan keeps going.

“Is it just that you’re disappointed to be going again to Ohio?” Silence. “Did you think this would all be much easier than it’s turned out to be?”

_ Yes,  _ Roman wants to answer. But again he doesn’t. Logan offers another sigh and sits behind his husband on the ottoman. “Well then, talk to me, Roman.” He waits for a response. He doesn’t get one. “ _ Talk to me. _ ”

Roman isn’t ever this quiet. Logan rarely shouts. Today’s an odd day even for regular fights they share. Logan doesn’t reach out to comfort him, but opens his mouth again. “If I didn’t believe in you, we’d never have gotten this far.” He stands again, hoping for Roman to turn and look his way. No such luck. “If I didn’t believe in you, and all of the ten thousand men that you are,” he laughs quietly at his small joke, a nod to the thousands of characters his husband has played in the past, all ones he had sat front row to see. Roman’s inability to be happy for him while he’d been so supportive of him has got to be the thing that hurts the most. “If I didn’t think you could do anything you ever wanted to...if I wasn’t certain that you’d come through, somehow…” 

He takes a pause and lets them both have a chance to take a breath before he pushes forward. “The fact of the matter is, Roman, I wouldn’t be standing here now.” Logan begins to pace slowly, sneaking occasional glances at Roman’s turned back. “If I didn’t believe in you, we wouldn’t be having this fight. If I didn’t believe in you, I’d walk out the door and say ‘Roman, you’re right!’, but I never could let that go, knowing the things about you I know. Things when I met you four years ago, I knew.” 

Roman lets out a shuddered breath, and Logan moves forward to rest his hands on his husband’s shoulders. “It never took much convincing to make me believe in you.” Roman needs to walk away. Logan’s saying words that otherwise would make him happy, but given the context and the fact that Roman is so damn sick of nothing going his way when it’s the up and up again for Logan, he needs his time alone from the fake encouragement. 

Clearly, Logan doesn’t appreciate being walked out on in the middle of their conversation, so he begins to follow Roman down the hall, continuing on. “Don’t we get to be happy, Roman? At some point down the line don’t we get to relax without some new tsuris to push me yet further from you?” 

Roman covers his face with his hands, sighing before putting them back down and making his way to the study. He doesn’t want to have this conversation, because he knows he should be happy for his husband- he is, mostly- but that jealousy he’d had as soon as the book had been picked up by a publishing company, as soon as Logan’s dream had kickstarted years before either of them imagined it to happen, while Roman was still standing in line every single morning with two hundred other guys who all dressed exactly like him but were far younger and fitter, only to be cut off five bars into his audition and kicked to the curb. 

“And if I’m cheering on your side, Roman, why can’t you support mine?! Why do I have to feel I’ve committed some  _ felony  _ doing what I always swore I would do?!” Logan sighs, and gently turns Roman around, holding his forearms so he could look him in the eye without running away. “I don’t want you to hurt- hey,  _ hey, _ ” he says softly, getting his husband’s attention when he tried to look away. “I don’t want you to sink...but you know what I think? I think you’ll be fine.”

And just like that, Roman’s upset again, and pulling out of Logan’s grasp to step away. 

“Just hang on, and you’ll see! But don’t make me wait til you do to be happy with you- will you  _ listen _ to me?!” Logan’s screaming now, because Roman’s pushing all the buttons to irritate him about his point not being heard while Roman pretends to ignore him. “No one can give you courage!” he yells, making the other slow but not stop. “No one can thicken your skin!” And somehow they’ve gone in circles to arrive back in the living room, right where they started, with Roman’s only option to return to the ottoman with his back away from Logan. “I will not fail so you can be comfortable, Roman!” What he says next rips right through the other’s heart, making him fight back tears.

“ _ I will not lose because you can’t win. _ ”

The silence in the room is yet again deafening, but Logan knows he cut too deep. Of course he felt bad about it, but he meant it in the moment. He always came to Roman’s shows, always brought him flowers and went all the way out to Ohio to see every summer show his husband appeared in, but Roman couldn’t get through a party? 

Logan sighs again, lets his nerves calm from his yelling, and tries again with a gentler tone. “If I didn’t believe in you- and here’s where the travelogue ends-” he takes a small step forward, trying to choose his next words carefully, “If I didn’t believe in you, I couldn’t have stood before all of our friends and said, ‘ _ This is the life I choose. This is the thing I can’t bear to lose. Trip us or trap us, but we refuse to fall. _ ” Ever so slowly, he makes he way back behind his husband, careful not to touch him and either make him fall apart or run out the door. 

“That’s what I thought we agreed on.” Roman’s trying to blink back the tears in his eyes, trying to keep any kind of emotion out while Logan keeps talking. “Roman, if I hadn’t believed in you....I wouldn’t have loved you at all.”

And that’s that. They stay in silence for much longer than they should. Roman finally gets the tears out of his eyes, and Logan waits for him to say his peace. He doesn’t. “Ro, please...just get dressed, and we’ll go to this stupid party...can you just do that for me, please?” he asks gently, almost pleading before Roman has finally had enough and is walking back down the hall in a matter of seconds. Logan tries to stop him. He doesn’t listen now. 

He’s done listening.

**Author's Note:**

> If this is received well, I might build an entire AU of TL5Y based on the two of them. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr (@evergreenstringbean) or Twitter (@everstringbean)


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